Loving an Abuser, Joseph M. Carver Alejandro Jodorowsky LOVE AND THE STOCKHOLM SYNDROME
- The Mystery of Loving an Abuser -
The following article was written by Dr. Joseph Carver, a clinical psychologist in Ohio, as a free informational brochure for your patients. We recommend you read the same because it will provide much useful information about the Stockholm Syndrome, a fairly common condition that develops in a relationship between a victim and an abuser.
Love and Stockholm Syndrome - by Dr. Joseph Carver
Often people are amazed at their own reactions and psychological problems. People who suffer from depression are stunned when they remember they once thought about suicide. The patients who are recovering from severe psychiatric disorders, are often stunned when they remember their symptoms and behavior during psychiatric episodes. Recently, a patient with Bipolar Disorder said: "No I can believe I thought I could change the weather through mental telepathy! "One of the most common reactions is:" Can not believe he did that! "
In clinical practice, some of those most surprised and amazed by those who have been involved in an abusive and controlling. When the relationship ends, they often make comments like "I know what I did, but still / love her," I do not know why, but I want you back "or" I know it sounds crazy, but they should miss her ". I recently heard a patient say, "This is nonsense. He got a new girlfriend and is abusing her too ... but, I'm jealous! "Friends and relatives of these people are even more surprised and amazed when they hear these comments or witness their loved ones return to the abusive relationship . When a situation does not make sense from a social standpoint, does it make sense from a psychological point of view? The answer is: Yes!
On August 23, 1973, two armed with guns entered deficient in a bank in Stockholm, Sweden. Brandishing his gun, a runaway convict named Jan-Erik Olsson she announced to the terrified bank employees "The party's just begin! "The two bank robbers held four hostages captive, three women and one man, for the next 131 hours. The hostages were strapped with dynamite and held in the bank vault until finally rescued on August 28.
After his rescue, the hostages exhibited a surprising attitude, taking into account that they were threatened, abused and feared for their lives for five days. In interviews with the media, it became clear that they supported their captors and, in fact, they feared the police officers who came to his rescue. The hostages had begun to believe that his captors were actually protecting them from police. Some time later, one of the women became involved with other offenders and established a legal defense fund to help with criminal defense expenses. Clearly, the hostages had established a "link" emotionally with their captors.
Although the psychological disorder that occurs in situations of hostage-taking became known as the "Stockholm Syndrome" due to media publicity, the "bond" emotionally with their captors was a familiar theme in the field of psychology. It had been recognized many years earlier and had been found in other studies of hostage situations, prisoners or abusive relationships, such as:
• Child abuse • battered women and abused
• POWs
• Members of a cult
• The victim of incest
• The hostage situations by
offenders • prisoners of concentration camps
• Relationships
intimidating or controlling the final analysis, emotional links with the abusers are, in fact, a survival strategy for victims of abuse and intimidation. The reaction of the "Stockholm Syndrome" in hostage situations and / or abusive situations are so well known today that police hostage negotiators no longer view them as unusual reactions. In fact, often encourages this type of reaction in criminal situations because it increases the chances of survival of the hostages. The downside of this is that it also ensures that those hostages that are experiencing the "Stockholm Syndrome" does not work much during rescue or criminal prosecution. The staff of local law enforcement has recognized this syndrome over a long time, in the case of battered women who choose not to file charges against the abuser, pay the bail of her husband or boyfriend rapper to be released from prison and have even attacked physically to the police when they come to the rescue of a violent attack.
Stockholm Syndrome (SS) can also be found in family relationships, romantic and interpersonal skills. The abuser may be the husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, father or mother, or anyone else with a role that allows the abuser to take a position of control or authority.
is important to understand the components of the Stockholm Syndrome as they relate to abusive and controlling relationships. Once you understand the syndrome, it is easier to understand why victims support, love, and even defend their abusers and controllers.
Every syndrome has symptoms or behaviors and Stockholm Syndrome is no exception. Although not given a precise list of features, due to the diversity of opinions among experts and researchers, many of the following were present:
• Positive feelings by the victim toward the abuser / controller
• Negative feelings by the victim toward family, friends, or authorities trying to rescue or support or secure their release
• Support for the reasons and behaviors of the abuser
• Positive feelings by the abuser toward the victim
• Behavior support from the victim, at times helping the abuser
• Inability to work through behaviors that could help their release or detachment.
Stockholm Syndrome does not happen in all cases of hostage-taking or abusive situations. In another assault involving a bank hostage-taking, after terrorizing the customers and bank employees for many hours, a police sniper shot and wounded a bank robber who terrorized victims. After falling to the floor, two women picked him up and physically held him against the window to give him another shot. As you can see, the amount of time a person is exposed to abuse or control, and these additional factors certainly play an important role.
was found that there are four situations or conditions that serve as the basis for the development of Stockholm Syndrome. These four situations can be found in abusive relationships, cases of severe abuse and hostage-taking:
• The presence of a threat that is perceived as a risk to physical or psychological survival of the individual and the belief that the abuser will meet that threat.
• The presence of apparent small gestures of kindness from the abuser to the victim
• Isolation of any other perspective than that of the abuser
• The perceived inability to escape the situation
By considering each of these situations we can understand how Stockholm Syndrome develops in romantic relationships, as well as the criminals and hostage situations. By analyzing each situation, we find the following:
perceived threat to physical or psychological survival of the person
A perceived threat may be formed through direct methods, indirect or a witness. Couples antisocial or patterns of crime can directly threaten your life or that of your friends and family. Their history of violence leads us to believe that sensor or controller meet the threat in a straightforward manner if we are not meeting their demands. The abuser assures us that our cooperation will only keep what saved the lives of those we love.
Indirectly, the abuser or controller makes subtle threats that you will never leave or have another partner, reminding that in the past, others have paid the consequences for not meeting your wishes. Provide clues or signs such as "I know people who can make others disappear." Indirect threats also come from stories told by the abuser or controller - how they took revenge on those who are angry with them in the past. These stories Revenge will have the purpose to remind the victim that if they leave the abuser, it is possible that it will avenge it.
Witnessing violence or aggression is also perceived as a threat.
Witnessing a violent temper directed at television, to other drivers on a road or to a third party clearly sends the message that could be the next target of such violence. Witnessing the thoughts and attitudes of the abuser or controller is threatening and intimidating, because we know we could be the target of those thoughts in the future.
perception of the "Small Gestures of Kindness"
In threatening and survival situations, we look for evidence of hope - a smaller sign that the situation could be improved. When an abuser / controller shows the victim some small gestures of kindness, but in any case be for the benefit of the abusers, the victim interprets these small gestures of kindness as a positive feature of the captor. In crime situations or hostage-taking during the war, allowing the victim to continue with life is often a sufficient gesture. Some minimum acts as go to the bathroom or providing food or water, are enough to strengthen the Stockholm Syndrome where hostages taken by criminals.
In a relationship with an abuser, a birthday card, a small gift or present (usually offered after a period of abuse), or special treatment, not only are interpreted as positive, but as evidence that the abuser is not "so bad" and, perhaps, at some point, to correct their behavior. Often, abusers and controllers are given positive credit not to abuse your partner, where the couple had generally been subject to verbal or physical abuse under certain circumstances. Typically, an aggressive and jealous partner can become intimidating or abusive in certain social situations as when a co-worker of the opposite sex greets you with his hand in a crowd. After seeing the greeting, the victim expects to be attacked verbally and when this does not happen, this "small gesture of kindness" is interpreted as a positive sign.
Something similar to the perception of small gestures is the perception of a "softer side." During a relationship, the abuser or controller can share information about their past - how they were mistreated, abused, neglected, abandoned or injured. The victim begins to feel that the abuser or controller may be able to correct their behavior or, worse, that he (the abuser) may also have been or will be a "victim." The victim may develop a sense of compassion for the abuser and often we hear the victim of Stockholm Syndrome to defend the abuser, saying: "I know I broke my jaw and ribs ... but he has problems. He had a tough childhood! "
or failed Losers and abusers may admit they need psychiatric help or they may recognize that they are psychologically disturbed, but nonetheless, this happens almost always after having abused or intimidated the victim. Such acceptance is a way to deny its responsibility for the abuse committed. In fact, people with personality disorders and criminals have learned over many years, which can minimize the personal liability of abusive or violent behavior, and even deny blaming his bad parenting, or being abused as were children, and now - for video games. One murderer blamed his crime by the fact that eating too much fast food - what today is known as the "Twinkie Defense" or biodefense. Although it may be true that the abuser or the driver has had a difficult childhood - to show compassion for its history produces no change in their behavior and in fact, prolongs the period of time the victim will be abused. Even when the "sad stories" are always included in their apologies - after an episode of abuse or control - their behavior never changes! Note that once you get used to hearing his "sad stories", they simply try another strategy. I know of no victim of abuse or crime who has heard their abuser say: "I hit (theft, assault, etc..) Because my mother hated me!" Any insulation
different perspective of the Captor
In abusive or controlling relationships, the victim feels he is always walking as "stepping on eggshells" - fearful of saying or doing anything that might trigger an attack of violence or intimidation. For their survival, they begin to see the world from the perspective of the abuser. Begin to correct those things that could cause an attack, they begin to act in ways that make the abuser happy, or avoid aspects of their lives that might cause a problem. If only we had a dollar in our pocket, then most of our decisions would be financial decisions. If your partner is an abuser or controller, then most of their decisions will be based on the perception of the abuser's potential reaction. We began to worry by the needs, desires or habits of the abuser or controller. Adopt
abuser's perspective as a survival technique can become a feeling so intense that the victim can show, really, a lot of anger towards people who try to help. The abuser is already angry and resentful toward anyone who could provide victim support, typically using multiple methods and manipulations to isolate the victim of other people. Any contact the victim has with people who support you in your community will be confronted with accusations, threats and / or outbreaks of violence. Thus, victims are made against his family - fearing family contact will cause further violence and domestic abuse. At this point, victims curse their parents and friends, ask them not to call and stop interfering, and end all communication with other people. Now the victim agrees with the abuser or controller, and go to the people who offer support as people who "cause trouble" and should be avoided. Many victims threaten their family and friends to seek restraining orders if they continue to "interfere" or try to help the victim with their situation. Apparently, it seems as if they had sided with the abuser or controller. In fact, they are trying to minimize contact situations that could become a target for further attacks of verbal abuse or intimidation. If a call leads to mother's casual two hours of an outbreak of temper with threats and accusations - the victim will realize that it is safer to call your mother more. If you ask, simply, to the mother to stop calling does not work, for their own safety the victim may accuse the mother of ruining the relationship and require you to stop calling.
In severe cases of Stockholm Syndrome in relationships, the victim may have difficulty leaving the abuser and can actually feel the abusive situation is their fault. In situations police the victim may feel that the arrest of her partner, physical attack or abuse is their fault. Some people allow their children to be removed from the home by child protection agencies, rather than end the relationship with the abuser. As they adopt the perspective of the abuser, children are at fault - they complained about the situation attracted the attention of the authorities and put at risk the relationship of adults. Sadly, children have become a danger to the safety of the victim. Those suffering from Stockholm Syndrome, allow children to be removed from the home because it decreases stress as victims while they provides children with an emotionally and physically safe. Perception
inability to escape
hostage bank robbery, threatened by armed criminals, is easy to understand the perceived inability to escape. In romantic relationships, a sense that one can not escape is common. Many abusive or controlling relationships are lived as true "till death do us part" - trapped together by issues or financial assets, mutual knowledge of intimate details or legal situations. Here are some common situations:
• Couples controllers have increased debt or financial obligations in relation to the extent that neither can survive economically without the other. Drivers that sense that your partner may leave them, often buy a new car, then claiming they can not pay a child support or alimony for the children because they have too much debt in installments by the new car.
• The legal termination of a relationship, especially a marital relationship, often creates significant problems. A driver income "black" (not officially declared) or maintained through legally questionable situations runs the risk of to investigate these sources of income or that they be made public due to divorce or separation. Thus, the controller can worry more about the possible public exposure of their business arrangements than the loss of the relationship.
• Often, the controller extreme threats including threatening to take the children and take them out of state, threatening to leave their jobs or businesses rather than pay alimony or maintenance fee for their partner, threatening to publicly expose personal problems of the victim or the victim to ensure he can never have a peaceful life due to continuous harassment or harassment will out. In severe cases, the controller can threaten to do something that prevents the victim remain, such as "I'll see you lose your job" or "I will burn your car."
• Controllers often keep the victim locked in the relationship through greater guilt - threatening suicide if the victim's abandoned. The victim will hear things like "I'll kill myself in front of children", "I kindle a fire in the front yard," or "Our children will have no mother or father if you leave me!"
• In a relationship with an abuser or driver, the victim has experienced a loss of self esteem, confidence and psychological energy. The victim may feel "overwhelmed" and too depressed to end the relationship or leave the abuser. In addition, abusers and controllers often create a type of dependency by controlling the finances, placing vehicles and property in their name, and eliminating any assets or resources the victim may use to leave the abuser. In clinical practice, I have heard the victim say, "I would, but I can not even withdraw money from the savings account! I do not know what is the password. "
• Victims adolescents or young adults may be attracted to controlling people when they feel inexperienced, insecure, and overwhelmed by the changes in life situation. When parents are going through a divorce, a teen may cling to an individual driver, feeling that the controller can stabilize their lives. Novice college students may be attracted to controlling persons who promise to help them survive watching from home in a university campus.
In unhealthy relationships and definitely in Stockholm Syndrome there is a daily preoccupation with "trouble." Problems can be any group, individual, location, comment, casual look or cold food that can produce a burst of temper or verbal abuse from the controller or abuser. To survive, the "problems" should be avoided at all costs. The victim must control situations that cause problems. This may include avoiding family, friends, coworkers and anyone else that could cause a "problem" in the abusive relationship. The victim does not hate his family and his friends are only avoiding "trouble." The victim also cleans the house, calm children, review the mail, avoid certain topics and will anticipate any problems control or abuse, in an effort to avoid "problems." In these situations, children are very active cause "problems." Loved ones and friends are sources of "problems" for a victim who is trying to avoid verbal or physical aggression.
Stockholm Syndrome in relationships is not uncommon. The professional law enforcement are painfully aware of these situations and domestic disputes are among the high-risk calls received during working hours. When a neighbor called police during an incident of abuse between spouses, the abuser is passive when it comes Police, who is the spouse upset and threatening the officers if their abusive partner arrested on charges of domestic violence. In fact, the victim knows the abuser / controller will retaliate against him or her if: 1) they support the arrest, 2) make statements about the abuse or fight, which will be perceived as disloyal by the abuser, 3 ) do not pay bail them out of jail as soon as possible, and 4) do not apologize personally for the situation - as if the victim's fault.
Stockholm Syndrome produces an unhealthy bond with the controller or abuser. It is the reason why many victims pro continue to support and supporting an abuser, even after the relationship has ended. It is also the reason why they continue to watch the "good side" of an abuser and show compassion for anyone who has ever physically abused them mentally.
Is there something else going on?
To give a brief answer, I would say Yes! Throughout the history, people have found themselves supporting and participating in life situations that range from abusive and bizarre. In conversations with these volunteers and active participants unhealthy and bizarre situations, it is clear that they have developed feelings and attitudes that support their participation. One way these feelings and ideas are developed is known as "cognitive dissonance." As you can see, psychologists have complex words and phrases to define almost everything.
The "Cognitive Dissonance" explains how and why people change their ideas and personal opinions to support situations that are not healthy, positive or normal. In theory, people seek to limit the information or opinions that make you feel uncomfortable. When we have two types of cognitions (knowledge, opinions, feelings and views of others, etc..) That are opposite, the situation becomes emotionally uncomfortable. Although they are in a situation silly or difficult - few people who agree to admit that fact. Instead, try to reduce the dissonance - the fact that their cognitions or information do not match, remember or make sense when combining them. The "Cognitive Dissonance" can be reduced by acquiring new knowledge, new cognitions or information - including new ideas or feelings. Some examples are: •
addicted smokers know smoking causes lung cancer and represents multiple health risks. To continue smoking, the smoker changes his cognitions (ideas or feelings) by others as: 1) "I'm smoking less than ten years ago Behind, 2) "I'm smoking low-tar cigarettes", 3) "Those statistics are conspirators invented the cancer industry, or 4)" One thing you have to die anyway! "These new cognitions or attitudes allow them to continue smoking and then start blaming restaurants for being unfair.
• If you buy a sports car for $ 40,000 .- with a range of 8 miles per gallon. You justify the expense and the issues, saying: 1) "is an excellent vehicle to travel (when you only travel once a year)," 2) "I can use it to haul stuff (A small table once every 12 months), and 3) "You can take a lot of people in it (95% of the time you use it, you travel only)."
• Your husband or boyfriend becomes abusive and aggressive . You can not leave because of financial difficulties, for children or other factors. Because cognitive dissonance begins to tell herself: "He only hits me with an open hand" and "He suffered much stress or stress at work."
was Leon Festinger first coined the term "Cognitive Dissonance." He noted a cult (in 1956) in which members voluntarily left their properties, revenue and jobs to work for the cult. This cult believed in messages from outer space who preached the day the world would end by a flood. As cult members and firm believers, the faithful believed they could be saved by flying saucers at the right time. As they gathered and waited to be taken by flying saucers at the specified time came and passed the time when the world would end. Do not think of any flood or no flying saucer appeared. Instead of believing that they were fools, after all that emotional and personal investment, decided their beliefs had actually saved the world from the flood and became most fervent believers after the prophecy failed. The moral is: as a major investment (income, employment, property, time, effort, etc.). The stronger the need to justify our position. If we invested $ 5.00 in a raffle ticket, would justify the loss by saying: "I will win next time." If we invest all that we will need an almost irrational belief and an unusual attitude to support and justify the investment.
studies tell us that we are more loyal and commit ourselves to something that is more difficult, uncomfortable and even humiliating. The initiation rituals of college fraternities, training camps of the Navy and graduate school all produce loyal and committed individuals to the cause. Almost all the ordeals create a binding experience. Every couple, no matter how different their members, fall in love in the movies after going through a terrorist attack, being chased by a murderer, being stranded on an island or have been abducted by aliens. Investment and shrines or hard evidence are the ingredients of a strong link - even if that link is not healthy. No one provides this kind of link or falls in love for being a member of the Automobile Club or club music CDs. But if we try survive on a desert island - you can bet it will!
Abusive relationships produce a significant investment is not healthy dose of both parties. In many cases, we tend to stay and support the abusive relationship because we have invested in this relationship. Try telling a new member of the Navy and survived the training camp, you should now enroll in the Coast Guard! There are different types of investments that we remain mired in a bad relationship:
• Emotional Investment - We have invested so many emotions, cried so much and so worried, we think we should stay in the relationship to end.
• Social Investment - We all have our pride! To avoid social embarrassment and uncomfortable social situations, we continue with the relationship.
• Family Investments - If children are present in the relationship, decisions about the relationship are covered by the needs of children.
• Financial Investment - In many cases, the controlling and abusive partner has created a complex financial situation. Many victims remain in a bad relationship, waiting for this a better situation that allows them to leave the relationship and separated from its partner more easily.
• Investment Lifestyle - Many controlling or abusive partners use money or a lifestyle investment. The victims who are in this situation may not want to lose their current lifestyle. Privacy
• Investment - often invest emotional and sexual intimacy. Some victims have experienced emotional destruction of their self-esteem and / or unhealthy sexual relationships. An abusive partner may threaten to spread rumors or tell intimate details or secrets. We often find this type of blackmail using intimacy in such situations.
In many cases, it is not just about our feelings toward an individual that keeps us stuck in an unhealthy relationship - often, it's all we've invested. Relationships are complex and usually in public, we often see only the tip of the iceberg. For this reason, one of the most common phrases we heard from the victims in defense of their unhealthy relationship is "You do not understand!"
What happens when you combine two unhealthy conditions?
The combination of "Stockholm Syndrome" and "cognitive dissonance" produces a victim who firmly believes that the relationship is not only acceptable, but also desperately needed for survival. The victim feel you will suffer a mental breakdown if the relationship ends. In the long-term relationships, the victims have invested everything and placed "all their eggs in one basket." The relationship now decides their level of self-esteem, worth and emotional health.
For the reasons described above, the victim feels that his family and friends are a threat to the relationship and eventually to their personal health and existence. The more you protest the relatives and friends about controlling and abusive nature of the relationship, the victim will develop Cognitive Dissonance and will be more defensive. In this instance, family members and friends become victims of controlling and abusive person.
An important factor to consider is that both Stockholm Syndrome and Cognitive Dissonance develop on an involuntary basis. The victim does not purposely invent this attitude. Both conditions are developed as a strategy to exist and survive a relationship and a threatening environment and controller. Despite what we think, our loved ones are not involved in an unhealthy relationship to irritate, embarrass or lead to alcoholism. What may have begun as a normal relationship became an abusive and controlling. The victim is trying to survive. His personality has developed feelings and thoughts needed to survive the situation and reduce physical and emotional risks. All of us developed attitudes and feelings that help us accept and survive in different situations. Develop these attitudes and feelings in our work, our community and other aspects of our lives. As we have seen throughout history, the more dysfunctional the situation, the more dysfunctional our adaptation and the ideas we develop to survive. The victim is blended in an attempt to survive and make the relationship work. Once they decide that the relationship does not work and that they can not repair, they need support while we wait patiently for their decision return to a positive lifestyle and healthy.
for Family and Friends of Victim
When a family faces a situation where a loved one is involved with a Loser and Loser or a person controlling or abusive, the situation becomes emotionally and socially painful and difficult for family. Although every situation is different, some general guidelines to consider are:
- It is possible that your loved one, the "victim" of the loser or abuser, you have been asked to choose between family relationship or . This choice is made more difficult by the presence of control and intimidation, that occur often in abusive or controlling relationships. Knowing that the choice of the family will result in severe personal and social consequences, the family will always have a second. Note that the victim knows in his heart that his family will always love and accept their return - regardless of what happens.
- Remember that the more pressure the "victim" of a loser or abuser, rather proved his point. Your loved one is saying that the family is trying to ruin their wonderful relationship. The pressure in the form of contacts, feedback and communication will be used as evidence against you. An invitation to a meeting of "Tupperware" be confronted with a "You see! They want to be alone with you to speak ill of me! "Increasing contacts will be seen as a factor that" added pressure "to the relationship - not as a sign that the family is concerned about the victim's heart.
- Your contacts with your loved one, no matter how routine and loving they are, may be confronted with anger and resentment. This is because each contact can trigger a fit of rage the Loser or abusive, attack the victim verbally or emotionally. Imagine receiving a sermon four hours each time you call Aunt Gladys. Soon annoy the victim's aunt whenever you call, because you know what causes each contact in your home. The longer Aunt Gladys talk on the phone - the longer the sermon to get the victim! Thus, when Aunt Gladys calls, the victim want to end the communication as soon as possible.
- A song of the 80, said: "Resist slightly", and perhaps the key to a good family and social strategy. Produces too resist pressure. When the victim is away from home, it is often better to set predictable, scheduled contacts. Call every Wednesday night, just to see how you or talk about common events, is less threatening to make random calls during the week. Random calls are always viewed as so-called "control over us." If the call is answered by the answering machine, leave a polite message and affectionate. And most importantly, do not talk about the relationship (it is possible that the driver is listening!), Unless the victim wishes to speak on the subject. The purpose of these scheduled calls is to maintain contact, remind your loved one that you are always there, willing to help, and to remind the driver to the family and loved ones remain close and have not disappeared.
- Try to maintain contact in traditional and special dates with your loved one - holidays, special occasions, etc. Keep your contact brief and limited, if you make comments that could be used as evidence. The contacts take place during the dates "traditional" - Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, etc.. - Are not very threatening to the controller or abuser. Also, contacts that provide information, without question, they are not perceived as threatening. An example would be a simple card that says: "I send this little note to tell you that your brother got a new job this week. You may see it in any Wal-Mart shopping one of these days. Love from Mom and Dad. " This strategy allows the victim to recognize that the family is still there - waiting patiently, if you need support. It also reduces the number of sermons or tantrums Loser as the contacts are produced on a traditional and expected. It is also difficult to get angry about the new job she got the brother without seeming ridiculous. On the other hand, do not invent holidays or send a reminder on the birthday of Sigmund Freud. That's suspicious ... even in my family.
- Remember that there are many channels of communication. It is important to keep open a channel, if that were possible. Communication channels may include telephone calls, letters, cards and emails. The planned monthly outings or shopping once a month, also programmed, are very useful if possible. The aim is to maintain contact while your loved one is involved in controlling or abusive relationship. Remember, the goal is to maintain contact, but not pressure the victim.
- Do not feel that the victim's behavior is against the family or friends. It may be a form of survival or a way to reduce stress or tension. Victims may appear highly resistant, angry and even hostile because of the complexity of their relationship with the controller or abuser. They may also curse, threaten and accuse their loved ones and friends. This defense hostile acts, in fact, as a self-protection in the relationship - is an attempt to avoid "problems."
- The victim needs to know and feel that we are rejected by their behavior. Note, that the victim is painfully aware of his situation. Know they are being mistreated and / or controlled by their partner. Frequent reminders of this will only make you want the victim having less contact. Naturally we avoid people who remind us of things or situations that are emotionally painful.
- Victims may slightly open a door and provide information on their relationship sustained in, or give us indications that they may be thinking of ending the relationship. When the door opens, do not throw after her full body rescue you! It stings and just offer support by saying: "You know your family supports you in any decisions that need to take, any time you take it." It is possible that victims are exploring what kind of supports are available, but not ready to call in the troops time. Many victims have an "escape plan" that can take months or years to accomplish. Maybe they are gathering information at the time, but not ready to end the relationship immediately.
- We can receive messages from people in two ways: through "direct channels" or "rumors." Through "direct channel" means talking face to face, by telling the person directly. This happens very rarely in a relationship with a loser, and that controllers and abusers monitor and control contact with others. However, the route of the "rumors" is still open. When we turned to the rumors, sending messages to loved ones through other people. Victims of controlling and abusive people often are allowed to maintain a relationship with a few people, perhaps with a brother or best friend. We can send messages to our loved ones through the contact person, a message expressing our understanding and support. We should not use this route to send insults ("Bill is stupid!") Or to discredit the victim ("If it does not end the relationship eventually lose loyal right!") - We send messages of love and support. We send messages like: "I hope he or she (the victim) know that your family is concerned and we love him and support him. " Comments that are sent through rumors should be phrased with the understanding that our loved ones hear and read in that way. Do not use a contact person to express anger and threaten to hire a hit man to give him a beating to the abuser, and then try to send a message of love and support. Be careful with the type of message and how it conveys. Contact rumor probably have access to the victim, to convey messages that we can not. It's another way to let them know that we support and we hope to help if needed.
- Every situation is different. The family may need support and community counseling. A family consultation with a mental health professional or an attorney can be useful if the situation is legally complex or there is a risk of significant harm.
- As family and friends of a victim involved with a controller / abuser, our normal reaction is to consider the possibility to act dramatically. Sometimes we get angry, we resent and become aggressive. Our minds are filled with a variety of plans that often range from rescue and kidnapping the victim to ambush the driver or the abuser and beaten with a baseball bat. One rule of thumb is that any aggression toward the controller / abuser will cause additional difficulties for your loved one. Try to stay calm and wait for the opportunity to show the victim his love and support when you need it.
- In some cases, as in the case of adolescents and young adults, it is possible that the family still gives you some kind of financial support, insurance or otherwise. When we receive an angry response to our calls, our anger, our resentment tells us to cut our support. I've heard: "If she plans to continue going out with that fool, will not in the car I'm paying" and "If he elects this woman before her family can stop studying at university and he will sell hamburgers. " Remove the financial aid just because your loved one becomes more dependent on the controller or abuser. Remember, if we become aggressive threatening, removing our support, or pressuring the victim - we who became the menacing factor, not the controller or abuser. In fact, this leads to the victim to seek support from the driver. Sadly, the more "ordeal" the victim's experience, the greater the bond you develop with the abuser as explained in the Stockholm Syndrome and cognitive dissonance.
- As you can imagine, the combination of Stockholm Syndrome and cognitive dissonance may also be active when our loved one is involved in a cult, unusual religions and other groups strangers. In some situations, the abuser or controller may be a group or organization. The victims who are perceived as disloyal to the group are punished. Although this article deals with the relationships of individuals, these family patterns may be useful in situations of group control. Final Thoughts
Perhaps you are a victim of an abusive and controlling, seeking to understand their feelings and attitudes. You may have a son or daughter, or friend who is involved in a relationship with an abusive and controlling and is looking for ways to help and understand.
If one of your loved ones are involved with a loser or failure, ie with an abusive and controlling, the long-term outcome is difficult to determine due to various factors involved. If the relationship is in the initial stage of "dating", they may end the relationship on their own. If the relationship has continued for over a year, the victim may need support and an escape plan before it can terminate the relationship. Marriage and children further complicates the ability to get out of that situation. When victim decides to end a relationship that is not happy, it is important to see their loved ones as a source of support, affection and understanding - not as a source of pressure, guilt or aggression.
This article aims to understand the complexity of feelings and attitudes that confuse both the victim and the family and friends. He highlighted the recommendations to disengage from a Loser or controlling person or abusive, but, clearly, there are many more victims in this situation. I hope this article will be useful for families and friends who worry, cry and have difficulty understanding the situation faced by their loved ones. It is said that knowledge is power. I hope that these skills are useful and powerful to victims and their loved ones.
Please consider this article as a general guide. Some recommendations may be appropriate and useful, while others may not apply to a specific situation. In many cases, may require professional help from psychological or legal. Dr. Joseph M.
Carver, Ph.D. Clinical Psychologist
